BREAKING NEWS: Crocs’ Matilda Ekholm Signed by Florida Marlins as Fireballing Relief Pitching Prospect
Following in the footsteps of Bo Jackson, Deion Sanders, and Jim Thorpe, the multitalented Matilda Ekholm will become don the Florida Marlins’ teal-and-white uniform in a stunning new development that initially rocked the MLTT.
January 11, 2023. Exclusive breaking news! Majorponghead has learned of a major breaking news story regarding the Florida Crocs’ stellar Swedish star Matilda Ekholm, a development that is sure to send seismic shockwaves throughout not only MLTT but also the entire pro sports world at large. We can now report that Ekholm has signed a 3-year contract as a lefty relief pitching prospect for MLB’s Florida Marlins franchise, becoming the world’s first two sport athlete in table tennis and baseball. Additionally she has been invited to the Marlins’ spring training camp, where she will compete for a spot on the big league roster as either a lefty matchup specialist and possible backup closer.
“We are extremely excited by Ekholm’s raw upside potential and welcome her to the Marlins organization” said General Manager Pete Bender. “She is an incredibly talented athlete and despite her lack of experience in baseball, we project her as cracking our opening day roster.”
Added Manager Skip Schumaker: “Admittedly I haven’t seen her throw in person but from what I’m told she’s got a plus-plus fastball with filthy late movement, a low release point which is tough for lefty batters to pick up, and a fiery disposition that should suit her well when we bring her into high leverage late inning situations. We like her makeup.”
“To be honest I was just trying to enjoy the Golden Game between the Crocs and Revolution, when she caught my eye.” stated the Marlins’ Director of International Scouting Roman Ocumarez. “I’ve always thought that I was good in table tennis, so when the MLTT tour came to town I pulled some strings and got myself some sweet courtside VIP seats to check out the pro-level game. As an aside…wow, those guys are good. And while it wasn’t Ekholm’s finest moment on the table, fate has a funny way of revealing hidden pitching talent and it was just a case of incredible karma that had me sitting in the front row when it happened.”
After extensive research, Majorponghead believes that by “it” the Marlins’ Director of International Scouting is referring to what happens at the :06 second mark of the following video:
Our sources tell us that an impromptu pitching setup was immediately created behind the black curtains and a still-fuming Ekholm begrudgingly agreed to throw a few warmup fastballs for the radar gun and hastily assembled Marlins’ team of scouts. The results were….impressive.
In total, Ekholm threw 10 pitches in front of the Marlins pitching brass and all 10 pitches touched triple digits on the radar gun, topping out at 102.4 mph. Backup catcher Christian Bethancourt, while simultaneously shaking his head and the sting out of his glove hand after Ekholm’s first pitch, put it bluntly: “Jesus Christ she’s got a freaking howitzer for an arm!” The news of the impromptu tryout spread like wildfire amongst the huge throngs of Crocs fans (who curiously crowded around the makeshift pitching trial). Though they had been enthusiastically banging their Crocs Thundersticks with each 100+ mph pitch that flashed across the radar gun display screen, their mood soon turned sour when they saw the contract signing right there at the iconic Broward Table Tennis Club, as they believed this would mean the end of Ekholm’s tenure with their beloved hometown Crocs.
Many Florida Crocs fans left the Broward Table Tennis Club on Sunday is a foul mood, as they assumed that Ekholm would be trashing the Crocs for a new career anchoring the Marlins’ bullpen. Coach Frank Arias was even seen at the door, frantically doing his best to damage control, but many fans were not only inconsolable, but outraged.
But all’s well that ends well! Later that evening in a televised press conference from the Marlins’ LoanDepot Park, Ekholm made it abundantly clear that she would be pursuing a full two-sport schedule in both MLTT and MLB. Marlins team owner Bruce Sherman even went on the record as saying he would fly Ekholm on his private jet from Marlins games to MLTT events in September-November, when the two leagues’ schedules may overlap.
Ekholm herself summed it up best during the press conference: “I can’t really say this is a dream of mine because frankly, after the Golden Game against Princeton, my immediate dream was to hunt down Angela Guan, put her into a headlock and choke her out. Baseball isn’t exactly a big sport in Sweden and to be honest I don’t know anything about it…but I’ve always been driven by new challenges and so I look forward to scoring lots of points for the Marlins and helping them reach the Super Bowl.”
“If you build it in Photoshop, he will come.” The two mascots seen here patching things up on the synthetic turf of Ekholm’s future field of dreams. Can you hear the collective sigh of relief throughout Crocs Nation? As the tension eased following the press conference, Billy the Marlin and Crocsy celebrated their new friendship and the new collaboration between the two Florida-based franchises.
Editor’s commentary: Please note that no Crocs, Marlins, mascots, radar guns or Thundersticks were harmed in the making of this humorous article. We cannot however confirm that Matilda’s paddle survived the post Golden Game 100 mph hurling because unlike this article, that sh_t was real. We’d also like to confess that this article is our somewhat unconventional approach to honoring Matilda Ekholm, whom we hold in the absolute highest regard, respect, and yes, great affection. Matilda is such a multi-faceted individual…a legit table tennis legend and icon, a grand ambassador for MLTT, the Director of Coaching at PINGPOD in NYC, even a vacation home renovation expert and AirBnB entrepreneur! But our favorite incarnation of this multi-talented, multi-faceted force of nature is the one we saw this weekend again, proudly clad in Florida Crocs’ green, competing with fire in her heart for every single damn point for her team. It’s easy to see why her coach, teammates and fans all adore her…she’s a fearsome competitor on the table, and one of the loveliest, most gracious and dignified people you’ll ever meet off of it. Matilda Ekholm, we salute you!
Keep pongin’, Pongheads!
…and keep on chompin’ the comp, Mati.
